she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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