Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
