Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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