I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
