at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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