i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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