I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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