Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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