Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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