there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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