you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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