She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
