I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
