I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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