I wish I could teleport
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
