I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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