sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
