Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
