I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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