If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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