took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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