Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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