My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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