She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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