ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
