note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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