I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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