If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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