wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
