I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Randomize
