Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
