i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
