I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
