i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
