Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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