i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize