Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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