wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
