I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
