A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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