If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
