she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
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