So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Randomize
