im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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