I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
