nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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