its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
