I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
