hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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