Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
