I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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