the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
