I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
