Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
