and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We're too hungover to prance.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
