Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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