i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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