It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
