I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
